Sunday, July 4, 2010

Date: February 2, 2010 at 10:19 am
Subject: hi

honestly, i’m so drained right now that i don’t think i could type out the note to you. summary: i basically said “i don’t love you. i just love that you love me.” and “i used to love you but don’t think i do anymore and don’t know why.” and “i sometimes feel trapped by being in a relationship but am afraid to be single.” and “we got together too soon after our last relationships.” and “i WANT to love you and i enjoy being with you but don’t know what brought on this lack of love.”

things like that. she read it and cried of course…but she understood and thought that it was a good and honest note. we talked a lot after that and were just very honest about how we felt. she is so in love with me and i told her i’m not in love with her like that right now. she wants me to try to find that love for her again…and i want to try to find that love too. i do enjoy being with her, i do.

something that i have gone through in the past 3 months (which is about the amount of time i have felt a lack of love) is that i have basically gone from christian to agnostic. i mean…not FULLY…but that’s basically what i have felt like concerning religion. and something that i loved about ___ when we first got together was that she was serious and real about god. she was not a conservative christian, she was real about it. and i really loved that about her. but now that we both don’t feel like that anymore, i think that took away 1/3 of why i wanted to get with her in the first place. ya know? but it’s not like i WANT her to be super extra christian again…it’s just that that part is gone now and probably won’t return. so i need to find other things i love about her to fill that void.

it’s hard for me to think of why i stopped loving her suddenly, and the religion thing is the only thing i can pinpoint. i also told her about how it was easy to love you and that i haven’t faced this issue with anyone else in my life. she said “that is a hard act to follow because she’s pretty, and smart, and talented, and has a bachelor’s degree.” so at least you know she thinks highly of you. and she’s right, you are a hard act to follow…..especially given our unique understanding of one another. but i can’t compare the two relationships too much because i will dig myself into a hole.

anyway……give me any feedback you can/want. talk to you soon.

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